Language, darling!
by HerefortheNewtina
Summary: Newt builds a nursery for the oncoming baby, with a difference. At Tina's insistence, he can't use magic. So he grapples with muggle DIY with hilarious consequences. Rated T for mild language in part 2. Newtina, obviously.
1. Part 1

**New story alert! This will probably be another two parter. I promise the title will come more into it in the second part! And it won't be anything too major. But you knew that right?  
**

 **I own nothing but the plot. These are Queen JK Rowling's characters in Queen JK Rowling's world.**

 **Set in August 1931. In my head they get married in May 1930.**

 **Enjoy!**

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The spare room upstairs in the Dorset farmhouse that Newt and Tina Scamander had acquired just after their marriage was huge. It was also full of dust. When the sun broke through the windows you could see the dust floating there. There was so much of it you could sometimes barely see the room's interior. The floor was wooden and starting to rot, and there was always the fear that you'd step through the floor and fall into the room below, which happened to be the lounge. It was too empty for Tina's liking; empty rooms gave her the creeps. But it wouldn't be empty for much longer.

She stood on the threshold of the room, leaning against the rustic-looking wooden doorframe, one hand on her swollen belly with a long and loose maternity blouse over it. She was six months along, and at the insistence of both her husband and the head Auror at the Ministry (who just happened to be her brother-in-law) she had taken maternity leave earlier than she intended. Originally she wanted to stay at work until a month before her due date, but neither Newt nor Theseus had been very keen on that idea. So, reluctantly, she'd given in and taken early leave.

The room before her stretched into an expanse of partial darkness, and she couldn't help but wonder what a wonderful nursery it would make for their impending addition to the family. They had three months to fix it up before the child made it's no doubt dramatic entrance into the world. Deep down Tina was dreading the childbirth process – Queenie had told her it was pain beyond any pain she'd ever felt in her life. And Tina was an Auror. She'd felt some pain in her time. But she knew it would all be worth it. She'd be able to hold their child in her arms – a child that was half her and half the love of her life. It always made Tina smile to think about her husband, the man she was totally and madly in love with, holding their child in his arms, an adoring smile on his gorgeous freckled face. Of course, there was no way of knowing who the child would look like, but she knew that at work they had three sweepstakes – one for the day she'd give birth, one for whether it was a boy or a girl and one for who the child would look more like. She also happened to know that Theseus had 20 Galleons in each, on her giving birth on November 15th, the child being a boy and looking more like Newt. But of course Theseus would want a boy that bears a faint resemblance to himself. Obviously, she had no control over it, and when the child came she wouldn't change him or her for the world, but she was determined to prove Theseus wrong on all three accounts, just purely for the fact he'd lose 60 Galleons.

She was just pondering this, smiling to herself when she felt a pair of hands slide around her waist and come to rest on her stomach. She smiled even more. Newt put his head on her shoulder, so when he spoke his breath tickled the skin of her neck. "Are you alright, love?" he asked before pressing a tender kiss to her shoulder.

She giggled to herself. This man was the only man on Earth capable of making her giggle like that. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about how I'm going to make sure your brother loses those 60 Galleons he has in sweepstakes."

He laughed softly. God, his laugh was attractive. "As much as I'd also love to wind up my brother, you know we have no control over that."

She grinned. "I know. And when the child comes, I wouldn't change them for the world."

"Neither would I." he kissed her neck, and she leaned her head to the side to allow him easier access. "We'd just have to deal with Theseus being _extremely_ smug." He murmured into her neck.

"And then the child would wonder why their uncle dotes so much on them." Tina laughed and Newt chuckled.

"I wouldn't be at all surprised. Anyway," he spun her round to face him, placing his hands on the small of her back, and she lazily laced her arms around the back of his neck. "Why this room?" he asked, curious as to why she'd been standing there seemingly staring into space.

"Oh, that. I was just thinking this room would make a wonderful nursery for the baby."

He smiled at that. "Oh, Tina, that's a wonderful idea." He said softly, kissing her forehead. "I'll just get my wand, I know a few charms…" he said, making to leave.

Tina grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards her. "Not so fast. No magic."

He blinked at her for a few seconds, waiting for her to say she was kidding. But he didn't know why he bothered. She was never kidding. "You're not joking, are you?" He asked tentatively, just to make sure.

"Nope." She grinned.

"Tina, how in the name of Merlin do you expect _me_ to refurbish and redecorate an entire room _without_ the use of magic?"

She laughed, "Jacob managed it."

"Jacob's a muggle. He's used to it."

"Well, it's about time you learned." She was still grinning. She knew how entertaining this was going to be.

"Any other reasons?"

"I'm six months pregnant, Newt, and seeing as you and your brother practically _evicted_ me from my office, I need _some_ form of entertainment."

"Oh, so that's what this is. Revenge."

"Hey, you brought it on yourself."

"You do know there are other forms of entertainment, right? Ones that I'd be much more willing to do?" he murmured, winking at her with a smirk on his face. His free hand moved to cup her jaw and he kissed her deeply. She responded just as passionately, heat building up between their lips, which was a dangerous move, because neither of them could ever get enough.

But somehow she found a way to prise herself away (with great difficulty). She giggled. "Oh yes. That too."

"So I'm your source of entertainment throughout this pregnancy, correct?"

"Yep."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope."

He sighed, giving up. He knew better than to argue with his wife normally, let alone when she was six months pregnant. "Fine. But I'm only doing this because I love you and because you're pregnant." He froze then, realising how that sounded to her.

She raised her eyebrows, folding her arms. "Are you saying I'm incapable?" Although her tone was confrontational a playful smile was on her lips.

He blushed at the tops of his cheekbones, "No! No, that came out entirely wrong. What I meant was that my brother and Jacob…being fathers themselves… gave me some advice."

"And what advice would that be?"

"To never get on the wrong side of a pregnant woman. In fact, both of them said they wouldn't want to get on your wrong side normally, let alone when you're pregnant."

"Wise move." she remarked.

He glanced inside the room and winced at the rotting floorboards. "At least let me fix the floorboards with magic."

She pretended to think about it. "Hmmm, on the one hand I don't want the father of my child falling through the ceiling. On the other hand, it would be very funny."

"Not for me it wouldn't."

She was always going to let him. "Fine. But I'll watch you do it."

He disappeared momentarily and came back with his wand in hand. With a skilled flick of the wrist and no incantation whatsoever, the uneven edges of the floorboards straightened and the cracks filled themselves in. Another spell eliminated all dirt and dust from the wood. While her husband was the most inelegant person she knew, Tina had to admit that his spell-casting was wonderfully refined and completely enchanting. She had to forcefully snap herself out of her reverie before he fixed up the entire room, furnishings and all. She plucked the wand out of his hand, "That's enough of that. Now you have to do the rest the No-Maj way."

"Muggle." he corrected her and then wished he hadn't when she shot him her signature glare.

"Just because I'm living in England doesn't mean I have to adopt your ridiculous terms."

"Yes dear."

"Now get on with it! And I'll know if you get help from Jacob so don't even think about it. You never know, you might be good!" she laughed as she said this, they both knew that wasn't going to happen.

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 **Part 2 coming soon! Sorry if they're slightly out of character, I just love this whole idea.**

 **I'm still waiting on a winner of the poll. So if you could head on over to my bio and vote that would be great!  
**

 **As always, reviews are appreciated :)  
**

 **Peace!**


	2. Part 2

**So here is part 2! I'm so sorry if anyone is out of character, but this is just such a funny idea. I had so much fun writing this chapter, I hope you laugh as much reading it as I did writing it! Also this chapter does come with a mild language warning, but it's nothing bad at all.  
**

 **As always I own nothing but the plot.**

 **Enjoy!**

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A few days later, Tina was sat on the sofa with her feet on a patchwork footstool, doing the crossword in the Daily Prophet with the newspaper resting on her pregnant stomach. A cup of tea hovered over the arm of the sofa. She bit her lip in concentration and turned the phoenix feather quill around between her fingers. Then a crash sounded from upstairs and she jumped out of her skin, then laughed as she heard a shout of "Oh, bloody hell!". She'd grown to know that this meant an entire shelving unit had collapsed. Again.

"Language, darling!" she called up the stairs, grinning.

Where he had apologised on previous occasions, this time she heard only an incredulous "Ha!" in response. Which of course made her giggle even more.

* * *

Another day she was sat at the dining table reading through some case files that she'd insisted Theseus send to her while she was on maternity leave. She wanted to at least know what was going on at work without her. While she didn't regret the pregnancy - not one bit - she did miss being out in the field arresting magical criminals. She'd never enjoyed paperwork. As she was signing (she was still getting used to using her new signature) the bottom of a cover sheet for one particularly interesting case file on a highly illegal trading ring of Antipodean Opaleye eggs she heard a muffled _thud,_ a yell of pain and "Oh you bastard!" She giggled again. This meant he'd hit his thumb (instead of a nail) with a hammer. This was quickly followed by "Why, you little sod!" as the nail promptly fell from the wall and rolled away, never to be seen again.

"Language, darling!" she had to do her best to hold back her giggles.

"You're enjoying this!" he called back.

She didn't bother to answer. He was right.

* * *

"Well I don't know why you're asking _me_ to help, I have about as much knowledge as you." Theseus raised an eyebrow at Newt, sitting across from him in the elder brother's lounge.

"Two heads are better than one."

"Two heads who have no idea are about as much use as one."

Newt sighed in defeat. "True. I thought she'd have given up by now." He said, sipping his tea (he'd made his himself, since he'd found out his brother put the milk in first).

Theseus chuckled. "What was it she said again?"

"That since we practically _evicted_ her from her office, she needs _some_ form of entertainment. She's doing it for revenge."

Theseus laughed out loud. "You signed up for this, you know."

Newt sighed again. "I guess I did. And she's enjoying it too. My failure, I mean."

"I'll bet she is." Before Theseus continued he waited until his brother took another sip of his tea. "Isn't she making you her source of entertainment in other ways too?" a smirk spread across Theseus' face as his brother, unprepared for the question, spat out his tea then looked up like a rabbit in the headlights, blushing bright red. "Um…yes…wait how did _you_ know?"

"It's what pregnant women do. Serenity was the same. Not that I minded, of course." Theseus laughed at his brother's visible discomfort, "Oh come on, Newt, it's natural, I thought you were all about nature?"

Newt decided that his half-empty teacup was the most interesting thing in the room and stared at it as he replied, "Magical creatures are very different from humans, Theseus."

"Still use the same way to reproduce, though, yes?"

"Well…yes."

"There you go then. Admit it, you enjoy it." Theseus' voice was low and he was still smirking.

Newt continued to stare at his tea. "Yes." He said again, his voice barely a murmur. He blushed hard again.

Theseus looked triumphant. "Well there we are. And you can't exactly say no to a pregnant woman."

"Yes, that is true. I dread to think what Tina would've done if I'd refused to build the nursery the muggle way." Newt's blush finally subsided a little and he felt able to look at his brother again.

"So do I, little brother. Tina is a formidable woman. I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of her, pregnant or not." There was a genuine fear in Theseus' voice.

"Trust me, you don't want to be." When his older brother smirked Newt quickly added, "Please don't tell her I said that."

"Now why would _I_ do a thing like that?" Theseus grinned.

"Because I know you."

Suddenly Theseus looked grave. "But I'd genuinely fear for your life if I did that. So I won't."

"Thank you." A momentary silence followed before Newt asked, "So are you going to help me or not?"

Theseus sighed. "Fine, but don't expect me to be much help. And Serenity cannot find out, else she'll get ideas."

For the first time that evening Newt looked his brother right in the eye. "Done."

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A couple of days later the two men were sat on the floor of the nursery, which looked as if the Niffler had ransacked it looking for the shiny silver nails which Newt had hidden specifically for that reason. Theseus was sat in front of a yet-to-be-assembled bookcase – one that Newt had previously tried to put together several times without success.

"So, tell me what to do." He instructed his younger brother, who was holding the set of instructions.

Newt squinted at the piece of paper, trying to read what the first instruction was. When he took too long to answer Theseus glanced at the paper in his brother's hands and sighed in exasperation. "You're holding the bloody thing upside down." he said irritably before snatching the paper from his brother, turning it the right way up and handing it back.

"If you're so clever, why don't _you_ read it to _me_?" Newt retorted - he was feeling uncharacteristically irritable today. The whole 'building the nursery the muggle way' was getting to him.

"This coming from the man who has unsuccessfully tried to assemble this damned thing for _weeks_."

"Well I'm sorry if my wife is six months pregnant and having the time of her life watching me suffer."

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, Newton. You signed up for it."

"So it's my fault?"

"Of course it's your bloody fault! You married her and got her pregnant! _And_ you turfed her out of work!"

"Excuse me but you helped with that!"

"Only because you wouldn't shut up about it!"

Downstairs, Tina, Queenie and Serenity (who, through Tina and Queenie, had found out Theseus was helping build the nursery – not that he knew she was here. Yet.) were sat around the rustic wooden kitchen table with mugs of tea discussing husbands and babies and pregnancies and all the things that mothers or mothers-to-be stereotypically talk about. They heard raised voices coming from upstairs and giggled. Serenity, a slender woman with waves of jet black hair and emerald eyes, raised an eyebrow at Tina. "Don't you think it's time to call this off, Tina? As entertaining as it is, they don't argue like this very often."

"Yeah, Teen, it's not like Newt to get _this_ riled up." Queenie added.

Tina looked thoughtful for a moment, "Yes, I suppose that's true…but then again…" she trailed off, smirking and letting Queenie read her mind.

"Teenie!" Queenie suddenly burst out, reading her sister's mind, before dissolving into giggles. Tina blushed and looked at the table but behind her curtain of hair you could see she was laughing.

"What?" Serenity was confused.

"I am _not_ repeating what she just thought." Queenie was still trying to control her laughter.

"No, you have to tell me now." Serenity was adamant, though deep down she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Queenie sighed and rolled her eyes. She leaned across to Serenity, who was sat next to her, and whispered what had just gone through Tina's mind. Serenity gasped and laughed at the same time, "Tina! Wow, I do _not_ want details."

"That's good, because you're not getting any details. That's between him and me." Tina smirked.

Before either her sister or sister-in-law could think of a reply, there was another shout from upstairs.

"Merlin's bloody beard, Theseus, I thought you'd be at least _some_ help to me!"

All three women giggled again, then Tina frowned. That wasn't like Newt at all.

"Ouch. Theseus isn't going to like that." Serenity's voice was low, they were trying to listen in. Then came Theseus' retort.

"For the last time, Newton, I've told you, I have no bloody idea why you thought I'd be any use! I _told_ you not to expect me to be much help!"

Tina sighed, "Okay, I'm calling this off." She got out of her seat, and glanced at Serenity, "You wanna help me?"

Her sister-in-law nodded. "Sure." None of them were smiling now - this was getting out of hand.

"I'm coming too, I'm not missing this!" Queenie giggled despite the situation and followed the two Scamander women up the stairs to the doorway of the spare room.

Tina leaned against the doorway, looking in. Her husband and brother-in-law were stood in the centre of the room staring each other down.

"Your DIY skills are about as good as your bloody _tea making_." Newt's voice was no longer raised, but he still sounded livid.

"Why you cheeky bugger! That was entirely uncalled for!" Theseus, on the other hand, refused to lower his voice.

The two men hadn't noticed the three women stood in the doorway. Yet. Tina and Serenity stood in front while Queenie hung back a bit to watch the drama unfold.

Tina couldn't help but laugh to herself at the tea comment. _This is the most_ British _argument_ she thought to herself and glanced at Serenity who nodded. "Language, darling!" both of them said with raised voices at the same time and the two men froze and whirled around.

"Serenity? How in the name of Merlin did you know I was here?" Theseus looked confused, his anger subsiding.

"A woman has her ways, Theseus." Was all she said. She folded her arms and glared at her husband disapprovingly.

Newt noticed that Tina was doing the same thing, arms folded over her pregnant stomach and giving him her signature glare. "When I said I wanted entertainment, I didn't mean 'have a petty shouting match with your brother.' You're not kids anymore, Newt."

He gulped. "He started it."

Theseus opened his mouth to retaliate but caught his wife's eye and closed it again, looking rather hilariously like a fish.

"I don't care who started it, I've finished it. You're grown men, for God's sake. I'm _surprised_ at you, Newt."

Somewhat cautiously, Newt made his way over, taking his wife's hand. All his anger had dissipated. "I'm so sorry, Tina. It was childish. This whole thing has been terribly vexing, and I guess I just got riled up rather easily."

"To be fair, this _was_ Tina's idea." Theseus chimed in and Tina directed her glare at him. Newt turned around and made a cutting motion with his hand in front of his throat while shaking his head.

"Yes. But one, I wasn't expecting Newt to ask _you_ of all people for help, and two, it's not my fault that you two couldn't even be _civil."_

Theseus couldn't think of a reply, so he shut up. He made his way over to his wife and put his arms around her. She looked away from him. "Serenity. Look, I'm sorry, love. I behaved stupidly. Please forgive me." She glanced up at her husband and sighed. "If I hear that kind of frankly _unnecessary_ language around our son, I won't be so forgiving." She draped her arms over his shoulders and he leaned his forehead against hers. "You won't hear it, I promise." he murmured and kissed her lips lightly.

"Yes, that's a good point, Serenity. I _certainly_ don't want to hear that kind of language around our child when he or she is born." Tina looked her husband right in the eyes. She knew in her heart of hearts that he wouldn't, that he was simply riled up by his brother, but she said it anyway.

"You won't, my love." He murmured and slid one arm around her waist, resting the other on her baby bump. "Am I forgiven?" his voice was still low as he placed his forehead against hers.

Now Tina smirked. She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and whispered in his ear, "That depends on how far you're willing to go to earn my forgiveness." He blushed and said nothing but grinned.

Theseus looked up then, "Well if we're done here, I guess we should get home. Leave these two to it." He was also grinning.

Queenie spoke for the first time in the whole conversation. "For once, I agree with you, Theseus. I'm sick of reading all your thoughts." Everyone laughed, with Newt blushing and not looking away from Tina, and Tina hiding her blushing face by leaning on his chest.

* * *

Later that evening, when the house was devoid of all extra guests, Newt and Tina went back up to the spare room and stood just inside. "What are we going to do about this, then? Are you still going to make me try and do it the muggle way?" Newt asked his wife softly, wrapping his arms around her from behind to rest his hands on her bump and leaning his head on her shoulder.

Tina laughed, "No. I think you've suffered enough."

"I'll say." he murmured and she chuckled again.

"I'll let you decorate using magic soon enough, but right now you still have to earn my forgiveness." She turned and wrapped her arms lazily around the back of his neck with a smile on her face.

"Now _that_ I know how to do."

* * *

 **I didn't know what to call Theseus' wife so I used the random name I chose in the Fantastic Beasts mobile game.  
**

 **I don't know about any of you, maybe it's just me, but I just love the idea of Newt and Theseus having the most petty arguments because they are the only people capable of winding each other up that badly. I had to bring tea into it, putting the milk in first is apparently traditional but most people here in Britain see it as sacrilege, including myself. I wanted to make the argument as British as possible. Now you all have an idea of the sorts of arguments that go on in Britain xD It's mostly about tea and public transport tbh.**

 **I have no further ideas for this particular universe - as much as I ADORE Newtina family fics I don't want to name their kids as I want to write about the kids with their canon names, if that makes sense.**

 **I have plans for several fics, including a full on 30 chapter fiction which I will write in the summer in collaboration with a friend of mine. Stay tuned for updates on that on my bio page.**

 **The poll is still open, so I'd appreciate your votes!**

 **Peace!**


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